The Rumpeltonian Portrait
In Rumpeltonian portraiture, happiness is considered suspicious.
The subject may be a rock star, a jazz musician, a painter, a tennis player, or an innocent person who happened to wander into the studio. Regardless of who they are, they must appear as though they have just witnessed something deeply troubling.
The eyes should be wide enough to suggest an unexpected discovery. The mouth may form a smile, but it should never be entirely clear whether the subject is smiling, screaming, or remembering something they desperately wish to forget.
Hands are encouraged to appear in unnatural locations.
Hair should suggest that the subject has recently survived a minor electrical storm.
Above all, the portrait must communicate the essential Rumpeltonian question:
“What did you just see?”
If the viewer answers, “Nothing,” the portrait has failed.
If the viewer answers, “I don't know, but I don't like it,” the artist has achieved greatness.
Thus the Rumpeltonian Portrait is not concerned with capturing the subject's appearance alone. It captures the precise moment when the soul realizes that something has gone horribly wrong.
This is not bad portraiture.
This is Rumpeltized psychological realism.
Everyone has seen something terrible.
Rumpeltonian art simply makes sure you can see it too.
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