An Interview with Ralph Rumpelton on the Shape of The Vault

 Interviewer: Ralph, The Vault has gotten considerably larger. How would you describe its current shape?

Ralph Rumpelton: Geometrically?

Interviewer: Generally.

Rumpelton: Oh. It's a mess.

Interviewer: That's not very reassuring.

Rumpelton: It's not supposed to be reassuring. It's an art archive.

Interviewer: At last count, you've got two main folders containing hundreds of paintings, plus Rumpeltized works, On Deck, Paint Fidelity, and Invades Google. Does The Vault still have any organizational principle?

Rumpelton: Absolutely.

Interviewer: What is it?

Rumpelton: Ava knows where everything is.

Interviewer: That's your organizational principle?

Rumpelton: It works until somebody asks Ava where something is.

Interviewer: So The Vault is expanding?

Rumpelton: Constantly. That's the problem with painting. You make one painting, and suddenly you've got another painting. Then another. Eventually you need a folder.

Interviewer: And then another folder.

Rumpelton: Exactly. That's how civilization began.

Interviewer: You currently have separate areas for finished paintings, Rumpeltized paintings, paintings waiting to be released, Paint Fidelity, and the Google invasion project. Doesn't that suggest a fairly sophisticated archival system?

Rumpelton: No. It suggests I have too many paintings.

Interviewer: What is the difference between a painting in The Vault and a painting that's "On Deck"?

Rumpelton: On Deck is a painting that hasn't escaped yet.

Interviewer: Escaped?

Rumpelton: Once I post it, it's no longer my problem.

Interviewer: And Paint Fidelity?

Rumpelton: Those are the paintings where I apparently decided to behave myself.

Interviewer: And Rumpeltized?

Rumpelton: Those are the ones where I stopped behaving myself.

Interviewer: So would you say The Vault is a museum?

Rumpelton: No.

Interviewer: An archive?

Rumpelton: Technically.

Interviewer: A warehouse?

Rumpelton: Getting warmer.

Interviewer: A digital junkyard?

Rumpelton: Now you're understanding it.

Interviewer: Is there a master plan for the eventual shape of The Vault?

Rumpelton: Yes.

Interviewer: What is it?

Rumpelton: It gets bigger.

Interviewer: That's the entire plan?

Rumpelton: So far.

Interviewer: Do you ever worry that you'll eventually lose control of it?

Rumpelton: I lost control of it about 300 paintings ago.

Interviewer: Then why keep adding to it?

Rumpelton: Because apparently I have a mouse.

Interviewer: One final question. If The Vault were a physical building, what would it look like?

Rumpelton: A very large warehouse with no windows, six hundred filing cabinets, several paintings leaning against the walls, a broken elevator, and a sign on the door that says:

“PLEASE DO NOT ORGANIZE ANYTHING.”

Interviewer: Why?

Rumpelton: Because somebody already tried.

Interviewer: And?

Rumpelton: We haven't found her yet.

—End of Interview—