Gordon Weft’s 5 Rules for Identifying a Rumpelton Painting (and Avoiding It)

 By Gordon Weft, Contrarian-in-Residence

1. The Head Will Be Wrong
   If the skull appears stretched, compressed, or otherwise behaving like a loaf of bread that lost a philosophical argument, you are likely looking at a Rumpelton.

2. The Tool Is Clearly MS Paint
   One can sense when a painting has been created with a mouse that is both determined and slightly confused.

3. Shading Occurs Suddenly
   In traditional painting, light transitions gradually. In Rumpeltonian work it often arrives like a thunderstorm: abruptly, confidently, and without apology.

4. The Subject Looks Both Recognizable and Mildly Alarmed
   The viewer may think, “Is that David Bowie?” followed immediately by, “Why does he look like he just realized he’s in MS Paint?”

5. There Will Be Supporters Defending It
   When confronted with such an image, devotees will insist it represents Cranial Expressionism or Rumpeltonian Cubism. Do not argue with them. Simply step away slowly and pretend you meant to see it.

Final Advisory:
If you encounter a painting signed Ralph Rumpelton, remember that art history has survived many movements before. With luck, it may survive this one as well.