BARRISTER CLIVE THISTLEBAUM, ESQ. (adjusting monocle, tapping gavel)
Order! Order in this tribunal! We are gathered here today to adjudicate the metaphysical implications of this... gestures grandly at the image ...this rupturous reinterpretation of Steely Dan's seminal 1976 opus, "The Royal Scam."
Now, I must begin by noting—for the record—that the artist has invoked what I call the Doctrine of Painterly Compression. Note the three towering figures, clearly representing the album's themes of urban decay, immigrant exploitation, and the collapse of the American Dream into a brutalist nightmare. The central tower—observe its striations!—is a visual litigation of power itself. The figure in the lower left, diminutive yet defiant, represents the exploited underclass gazing up at—
MACK "TANK" RODRIGUEZ (squinting)
Hold on, hold on. That's supposed to be an album cover? Looks like somebody drew some birds and a guy with a briefcase real quick before their computer class ended.
THISTLEBAUM (bristling)
Mr. Rodriguez, this tribunal does not traffic in such—
TANK
No, seriously, what are we looking at here? Those three tall things—are those buildings? Ghosts? Golf clubs? And why's that little dude down there so small? Perspective's all wonky.
CORNELIUS "NEIL" DRAFTON (leaning back, arms crossed)
Oh, this is rich. So we're pretending this is anything other than what happens when someone discovers the spray paint tool for the first time? Look at that sky—it's like someone sneezed in beige and purple. And those "figures" Thistlebaum's waxing poetic about? They're barely figures. One looks like a depressed penguin. Another looks like... I don't know, a sad clarinet?
THISTLEBAUM (slamming gavel)
Objection! The tribunal recognizes that ambiguity is the highest form of truth! The artist has deliberately employed—
TANK
Wait, what's it say in the corner there? "Steely Dan The Royal Scam"? Oh, okay. So it's supposed to be the album cover. I've seen that one. Had like a weird monster thing on it, right? Or was that the other one?
DRAFTON
You're thinking of Aja, Tank. Which, coincidentally, also featured competent artwork.
TANK
This doesn't look nothing like the real one though. Where's all the buildings and stuff?
THISTLEBAUM (regaining composure)
Precisely the point, Mr. Rodriguez! This is not mere replication—this is interpretive rupture! The artist has deconstructed the visual language of the original cover, stripping away the photorealistic facades to reveal the essential mythic architecture beneath. Those three figures? They are the Trinity of Scam itself: Deception, Exploitation, and False Promise!
DRAFTON (snorting)
Oh, please. They're three vaguely vertical shapes that could just as easily be interpreted as "I had five minutes and no reference image." Look at the shadow work—it's nonexistent. The composition is mud. And that little figure in the corner looks like it was added as an afterthought. "Oh crap, I forgot to put a person in this. Let me just... splat."
TANK
I kinda like the purple though. Reminds me of when the sun goes down after you've been working outside all day. Not sure what that has to do with Steely Dan, but it's nice.
THISTLEBAUM
Exactly! Mr. Rodriguez has stumbled upon the Blurb of Intent! The purple sunset is the American Dream dying, collapsing into twilight! This MS Paint interpretation captures something the original dared not attempt—the raw, unvarnished emotional texture of disillusionment!
DRAFTON
What it captures is what happens when artistic ambition vastly exceeds technical ability. And before you accuse me of being a philistine, Thistlebaum, let me say: I love outsider art. I love naïve art. But this isn't that. This is just... undercooked.
TANK
So what's the tall thing in the middle supposed to be?
THISTLEBAUM
A monument to hubris! A tower of—
DRAFTON
—a poorly rendered fist, probably. Which tracks, actually. The album deals with systemic oppression, power structures crushing the vulnerable. So maybe—maybe—there's something there. But it's buried under so many layers of technical inadequacy that any meaning is purely accidental.
TANK (nodding slowly)
You know what? I think I get it. It's like when you're trying to explain something to your buddy, but you don't got the right words, so you just kinda gesture and hope they understand. This picture's doing that. It ain't pretty, but maybe that's not the point.
THISTLEBAUM (standing, arms wide)
PRECISELY! The Tribunal hereby issues a Writ of Aesthetic Pardon! This work is declared rupturous—not despite its limitations, but through them!
DRAFTON
I'm going to go have a drink.
TANK
Can I keep this? Might look good in my garage.
THISTLEBAUM (gavel slam)
TRIBUNAL ADJOURNED!
[The three exit through different doors, arguing all the way down the hallway.]
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