Conducted by an unnamed tracker who prefers to remain vague
The following conversation took place somewhere that is neither here nor there. The interviewer insists the location is irrelevant, the light was bad on purpose, and the coffee tasted faintly of toner.
INTERVIEWER: Ralph Rumpelton, you’ve been missing for some time. People say you vanished. Did you?
RUMPELTON: Vanishing implies intent. I prefer misplacement. Like when you set something down and later accuse the room of stealing it.
INTERVIEWER: For the record, where are you right now?
RUMPELTON: Somewhere with walls. Possibly four. Could be fewer if you stop believing in them.
INTERVIEWER: People online are worried. Some think you’ve gone underground.
RUMPELTON: Underground suggests strategy. I went sideways. It’s less crowded there.
INTERVIEWER: You’re known for MS Paint works that hover between sincerity and sabotage. Why retreat now?
RUMPELTON: Because retreat sounds better than standing still. Also, MS Paint has a “Save As” function, but life does not. I needed a draft.
INTERVIEWER: Rumors say you’re working on something new.
RUMPELTON: Rumors are generous. I’m circling something old until it admits it’s new again.
INTERVIEWER: Are you avoiding your audience?
RUMPELTON: No. I’m giving them space to miss me incorrectly. That’s where the best interpretations come from.
INTERVIEWER: Some critics claim your absence is a statement.
RUMPELTON: Everything is a statement if you put it in quotes. My absence is more of a footnote that refuses to stay at the bottom of the page.
INTERVIEWER: Do you plan to return?
RUMPELTON: I never left in the traditional sense. Think of it as buffering.
INTERVIEWER: Last question. What should people do while you’re “buffering”?
RUMPELTON: Look too closely at the wrong things. Defend art they don’t like. Use bad tools well. And stop asking where I am—start asking what time it is where they’re standing.
(At this point, Rumpelton excused himself to adjust something unseen. The interview ended shortly after, or possibly before it began.)
Editor’s note: The interviewer confirms Ralph Rumpelton is safe, difficult to photograph, and exactly as present as he needs to be.
Follow Ralph Rumpelton across the net.
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